Tag Archives: #momtobe

Parenting

What Does It Mean to Be a Parent

Leave a comment

In every conceivable manner, the family is linked to our past, bridge to our future. – Alex Haley

1) When You Are a Mother You Realize How Challenging and Rewarding This Role Is

Every possible color on an emotional spectrum is present in my life. I didn’t know how fast and easy one can go from being exhausted to angry and impatient, then right away feel regret and shame for not controlling this flow of emotions. These feelings should end up with laughter and tenderness after all.

Raising kids is not easy, and knowing that I am not the only one who does not always know how to react to screaming and rolling on the floor, and how to perceive some bad temper towards other kids in a friend’s house – helps me to strive for more knowledge by listening to the ones that are more experienced. I read the authors who learned a lot on their parenting journey.

2) Parenting Is a Life Exam and You Choose to Study and Pass It When You Decide to Have a Child

This process involves a lot of explorative reading. And not until I got acquainted with the works of Alice Miller, Adem Gunes, and some other pedagogues, psychologists, and teachers – I found answers to some questions crowding in my head.

There is no way anyone can predict the future of their kids. You see, you cannot predict to a 100% certainty if your tomorrow will turn out to be exact to your plan. But I wanted to make sure I do the best possible choices and make right decisions concerning my kids every day with the goal in mind to raise not ‘good’ (which means in parenting language ‘obedient’ kids) but happy and loving, kind and caring, thoughtful and creative, responsible and confident, independent and fulfilled personalities. 

3) ‘Good’ = ‘Obedient’ Is Not Always Desirable and Some Resistance to Parents Can Be a Positive Sign

When fear is used – kids do whatever they’re told without thinking, just to please and obey adults. These children may become what their parents want them to be and lose themselves on this way.

There is a big difference between a child doing something and believing it is the right thing to do, and another kid that is just following the instructions. The first way creates independent thinkers and the second leads to unpredictable results.

Today this kid is listening to his parents without questioning and does everything he is told immediately, and tomorrow he does the same – but now he listens to someone else, his peers – and these people may not be the lot you’d have picked.

If your ultimate desire is to help your children to set and meet their own goals – then be prepared to find out that they may make choices and embrace values that aren’t the same as yours.

It is not easy to keep the big picture in mind and focus on long-term goals rather than on an immediate compliance. We need to consider what our children need rather than just what we’re demanding from them.

Conclusion

Motherhood is a never-ending learning process, and there is no one book to suit every scenario and one rule to follow in each situation. Every family is a different book to write and every mother and father is an author of a unique kind. 

Stay tuned…

Parenting

4 Major Pitfalls to Avoid When Raising a Child

Leave a comment

Family teaching is by example only. – Chinese saying

1) When You See Some Signs of Undesirable Behavior

To reward this world with a person who will be driven to bring glory to his community, country, nature and the whole world is a great mission. And the process requires a lot of self-assessment and consideration. Sometimes when you see some signs of undesirable behavior: lying, open aggressiveness, or quiet anger – you need to step back and analyze what could have caused it. 

If you try to raise a child who is always obedient and pride yourself on your ability to discipline your little one, you may expect sooner or later rebellion in a disagreeable form: he may take drugs, bully others in school or in the streets – giving way to his emotions and perceiving personal pleasure in life as his only valuable accomplishment. 

2) When Striving to Instill an Individualistic Point of View 

Another pitfall is to strive to instill an individualistic point of view in your child. You may think that by praising without measure and often without reason you will create a winning spirit. You bestow love and create an impression of ‘the world is mine and all is made for me and for my good’.

This child later in life will put herself on a pedestal and make no excuses when it comes to her personal success. She won’t care about the rest of the world and suffering around her. If she feels it more convenient for her she’ll put her elderly parents in a nursing home instead of sacrificing her time and maybe her career to take care of them.  

3) When Suffering in Any Form Does Not Initiate Compassion 

Make every effort to raise a child that sees his success in harmony with the world around him, who don’t think a moment choosing between the need to take care of a cat suffering as the result of a fight and being late for a meeting. It may not sound like such a good example, but if suffering in any form (experienced by a person, animal, or any creation) initiates compassion – this is the outcome you’ve been looking for.

This child considers himself a member of the society. He can empathize and see the world around him through the glass of his emotions. He lives in harmony with nature and humankind. He won’t break a tree branch just for fun. He’ll never even think to graffiti his name or any other writing on the wall of a store. He’ll never attempt to throw a stone into a shop window just to hear the alarm and then speed away. He will cherish and respect the result of other people’s effort and the result of the effort of The One, Who created this world… So he won’t pollute his body with nicotine, alcohol, or drugs, not just for his own good but for the good and well-being of others around him and the ones he loves the most. 

4) When You Consider a Child Your Property

We are all born with our characters defined and a skilled and observant parent can trace some unique features right away. A baby may be quiet and cry only when hungry or he can call for your attention every other minute. Children are all different from the time of their birth. If you consider your little one, coming to this world and changing your life as a welcomed and ‘respected guest’ – you will give him due attention and care, listen to his needs and come to his aide whenever it is required, answer his calls for love each and every time without restrictions – that will be enough to make him a happy addition to your family. 

Conclusion

Open your heart and create a safe environment where the innocence of your baby won’t be taken advantage of. Govern your actions with respect to his emotional world and always try to put yourself in his tiny shoes to try and see the world through those innocent eyes full of love and devotion.

Stay tuned…

Parenting

3 Ways to Create Healthy Emotional Atmosphere for Your Child

Leave a comment

Family discussions, with old and young alike taking part, can be as stimulating as sparks that ignite a fire. – Spanish saying

1) Every Child Is Born With the Growing Desire to Discover the Unknown 

Curiosity governs his actions and you need to satisfy it and help it to develop into a conscious longing to learn, that in later years will determine his success in life. He perceives you as a magician that knows everything and has numerous wonders. 

You reach into your bag, take out the phone and put it to your ear and listen and talk back, you put it back and grab a bottle of water, put it on the table and place a cookie on it that you just pulled from the same charmed sack. Don’t be surprised when this little adventurer approaches your bag as soon as you put it down and starts his discovery process, taking everything out and examining every object. Let him satisfy his curiosity, when he is done he probably won’t disturb the contents of it anymore.

But if he continues to do so every time you leave the room or just turn around, and you can tell that now it is a mere play – not curiosity; then you can show him a sign of your disapproval.

2) Be Careful When Distinguishing Between Curiosity and Misbehaving 

He is a smart little guy and will read the expression on your face: knitted eyebrows and stiff lips. If you are careful when distinguishing between curiosity and misbehaving, you will reap the fruits of your efforts soon enough. One day traveling you visit a wonderful ancient church with colorful frescos, golden candelabras, and stained glass windows. You come a bit earlier to have enough time to wander around and then to listen to the organ music. Your son will look around with his eyes wide open and a smile on his face, taking time to examine each painting.

When you quietly call him to have a seat beside you he will show ‘behavioral discipline’ and sit beside you and listen with you, maybe still occasionally looking around. You did a great job thinking ahead and coming earlier to give him time to contemplate the beauty of the place.

You may see another family with kids. They came just in time to sit down and listen to the music. The mother keeps reproaching the kids for not sitting still. The father may threaten them with what he may do when they leave the place. And the little ones try to obey and hide the burning desire to look around and see what is on that wall behind them and the one on the left, and to learn why there are multiple colors and sun comes through the windows in rainbow-like rays. These kids will get used to bottling their emotions up to save themselves from scolding.

3) Create Emotional Freedom in Your House

Your effort will determine your future success as a parent and you will be proud of your children. Discipline is important. The goal is to create true harmony between the emotional world and conscience.

If you govern in your household by the rules you never explain properly so that little soul may understand and admit them – you teach external discipline – one without understanding. Kids will obey because of fear of punishment, not because they internally comprehend the importance and meaning of these rules. And when the very person who introduced the rules is gone, the kids won’t follow them anymore – there will be no threat to force them to do so.

But if you take time to explain every disciplinary action to your child in a way so that his conscience will recognize and acknowledge it – whatever happens in the future, with you beside him or when you are gone – his conscience will remind him the good and bad, true and false, love and hate.

Conclusion

Conscience is the most sensitive scale that perfectly distinguishes between right and wrong. Be an example of a principled centered life, governed by your conscience and this way you will teach your child to balance the emotional world with the help of internal discipline. Sooner or later the time will come when only those treasures will help him to be a good person. Make sure you supply him with all he needs and you will be proud of your child for making this world a better place. 

Stay tuned…

Parenting

4 Major Rules That Will Help You Be a Better Parent 

Leave a comment

There was a place in childhood that I remember well, and there a voice of sweetest tone bright fairytales did tell. – Samuel Lover

1) It Is Important to Understand the Mechanisms That Govern Our Emotional World

To do so we need to go to our ‘inner place’ and find the ‘self’ – the personality that tells you to be depressed when it is sunny outside, the guy that brings intuition into play and employing it tries to tell you how to act or how to perceive this situation or person, it is the one that brings to the surface thoughts of suicide in a person whose life seems harmonious and fulfilling to an outside observer.

You cannot deny the existence of that ‘self’ within you. You should admit this presence and learn how to live in harmony with it. This is crucial for a thoughtful upbringing. You will be able to read the cause and effect of defense mechanisms that are turned on and off by the ‘self’ inside of every human being.

2) Don’t Think That Every Conflict Between You and Your Child Is a Competition You Need to Win

It is just the way children protect their dignity. Imagine someone telling you that you are irresponsible – your first reaction to such an offense will be to prove the opponent wrong and you blush and start to defend yourself. The same happens with your child when you tell him that he is untidy. His defensive reaction is not intended to offend you but to protect his inner ‘self’ – his dignity. Even babies do their best to protect their ‘self’. They cry if they sense any threat from a person looking at them.

3) No One Wants to Be Perceived Negatively 

When you constantly tell your little one: “you are lazy, too slow, forgetful, clumsy” and so on – he will get into the habit of fighting the assaults and can even reach a violent state. No one wants to be perceived negatively, especially by the closest people – family members. But eventually, he’ll get tired of being defensive. He will feel like an alien in his own house.

You need to worry when your child stops protecting himself from harm and becomes silent. That means he has become too tough to understand his feelings or to be sensitive to any outside intrusion. An insensitive child doesn’t have strong principles to live by. He loses his identity. This is a real disaster. The child that became tired from constant attacks and became desensitized loses the taste of life, the joy of creation. Only the one whose inner place was cherished can experience with his heart, not just senses, the smell of a flower, the touch of wind on his hair, or the taste of a berry.

4) Mother’s Arms Should Be an Always Present Shelter From All Calamities

Troubles can be big or small, coming from a father or an older brother or sister, or the outside world. Mother will understand. She will be just but will love her child no matter what. Always remember that words are like birds – you let them out, and you will never be able to catch them again. Words create deep wounds in a heart that burn and can even leave scars that will last a lifetime. Be cautious about the birds you let fly out.

Conclusion

Do not try to be a conscience for your child. He already has one and needs to act accordingly. If you try to govern his actions all the time, he will follow the path you’ve chosen and forgets how to react to the inner call. He needs to see what is right and wrong through his own conscience, this way that skill will be with him forever. To make conscience an always present friend a child needs to get used to it always being around. Allow him to make mistakes and understand the cause and effect of them.

Stay tuned…