The valuable wisdom of the Tao Te Ching teaches how to avoid a common blunder of many otherwise happy couples
Phantasmagoric guarantors of family happiness are care above any considerations and love beyond any measure. – Olya Aman
43rd Verse. The softest of all things overrides the hardest of all things. That without substance enters where there is no space. Hence I know the value of nonaction. Teaching without words, performing without actions - few in the world can grasp it - that is the master’s way.Rare indeed are those who obtain the beauty of this world. – Lao-Tzu 2nd Verse of “Tao Te Ching.
The Tao Te Ching, a book of wisdom, is considered by many scholars as teaching that guarantees a balanced, peaceful, and happy life. Eighty-one verses and about 100 short passages in this book of Chinese keeper of the imperial archives Lao-Tzu, can be applied to building a family.
When I read those verses, in an instant, like a shock from the blue, they spoke to me. Shaking authority, they told me,“Just see how you can understand what I say, will you?” And hunting through the years of my married life, I’ve found proof of every word, explicit confirmation of every thesis.
I’ve chosen only one verse that can give you insight into the art of creating a happy relationship. Imagine how valuable is the thoughtful reading and contemplation of all eighty-one of them.
Our first year of married life was absurd and entirely enlightening in such a manner as to be almost legendary. My husband’s political speeches on the place of man and woman in the family union were anecdotal and gave rise to loud protests and clarion laughter from me. My spy games and intellectual schemes aimed to enliven his daily schedule and make planning a permanent habit, tired him out.
“Your day is a brainless harlequinade. You sleep till 3 p.m. and stay awake till 3 a.m. Your absence in the morning irritates me like a gap, faded spot, on the wall where a painting used to hang.” I couldn’t quite decide whether I wanted to cry in pity for myself or to shout in an angry fit just for the same reason. “You are a master of radiant rationality. To compare your husband with a piece of drawing,” his eyes under the darkly drawn brows were bright with amusement, “that is certainly one to you.”
Our life arrangement left me in pure puzzledom. We barely spent any time together. Being a morning person, I felt my energy fading away with the sun leaving the horizon. My husband, on the contrary, was at the pick of his activity just at the time when my eyes were closing fast asleep.
Make it fair between us was my primary aim. We discussed what men could do, and women could not, and my stock of evil imagination was used up to give my husband the creeps. My handsome man employed his sense of the absurd to make me change my mind. I heard him say that a man works hard and can sometimes relax in his male friends’ company staying late at night. And he heard me say that, oddly enough, I work just as hard and deserve an overnight hangover. All these tunes were totally without words; we never attempted to tax in such a way our trust in each other.
There still was a heavy, oppressive sense of thunder in the air each time we started this ancient debate. My husband wanted his strength to be prodigious. “We’ll crack our old misunderstanding when you admit that there cannot be all equal between a wife and a husband in a family.” I motioned him in with my left hand, gave one of my characteristic ‘h’ms’, and pulled his ear with my right in a particular, sensual way — the way that always showed the real power of the ‘weak’ sex.
The softest of all things overrides the hardest of all things.
That without substance enters where there is no space. Hence I know the value of nonaction.
Our hearts were not attuned to change when it was forced with evident mental pressure. We suffered at the thought of our mutual noncompliance. Yet this was the very way to gain by losing. Being worthless, not good enough for each other was high on our list. It made us come very close to the climax of our relationship. We were on the verge of separation when ‘alas’ realized that achieving harmony and happiness involves acceptance and nonaction. This tiny alteration tipped our entire life over. It was a perfect mental summersault because the long-awaited change shambled into our relationship unawares.
Putting this verse in action
To force a change is violence. It conflicts with the harmony of life, and consequently — family.
- Find value in the nonaction. Any activity can be truth or trash. Lack of it, on the contrary, has a sort of splendid neutrality. It brings natural hope for change.
- Strength is not about doing a difficult task with muscle involvement. Often by not interfering, you show the power that lacks noisy vulgarity. You simply trust your instincts and love the other person, allowing your heart to be devoted without your mind telling you how to love.
- There is wisdom in peaceful harmony. Being soft, you override others’ hardness, and the person previously unwilling to change, to get better, will crave for your approval.
Teaching without words, performing without actions — few in the world can grasp it — that is the master’s way.
Rare indeed are those who obtain the beauty of this world.
By being more tolerant, ironically, my husband and I feel happier than when we tried so hard to better our life. There is none of that sense of competition between us that can only be present between ‘dilettante’ couples. We smelled out all the misperceptions and confusions in and out the first year of our married life. We still have things to discuss now and then, mind you. Without being didactic and exaggerated, we out-distance any conflicts. That foxy old scheme of love and care always works. We hug the axiom that it is vital to underrate the troubles and overrate the affections in all disputes. Today we live softly and without effort. Accept each other quietly, without force. Enjoy being together easily, without a struggle. We allow the change without pushing it.
Stay tuned…
Olya Aman 