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A Skeleton in My Family’s Cupboard Is a Skeleton of a Dog

Penetrate the darkness which clouded over the fate of one girl

This story begins in a sheepfold — it associates with kids — gropes its way through dreadful life mutilation, and stops where only death reigns. – Olya Aman

I reveal this tale in the first person — the way it was told to me by my cousin, let it be written. I’ll use all my mastery over the written word to give it the voice and mood of the people involved.

I was guilty of an act of naughtiness every time I had any chance to tax my parents’ patience. How mischievous I was — matters of no moment. You can laugh at my awkwardness, my stammering, and slowness at some other time. My parents were too much absorbed in daily hassles to fight against my whims and screams. I wanted a dog, and when my mom agreed with few objections, I chose the ugliest little creature ever existent. I always was the black sheep of the flock, and my dog was no better. Not any child but me could have picked such a nasty little beast. When my mom was holding my hand in front of a cage with the eight offsprings of our neighbor’s huge German King Shepherd, I saw her scowl at the little baldy black pup — and I knew instantly which one to take home with me.

He was the smallest of the brood and, surprisingly, grew up to be the biggest of the eight. He did everything with a bang; he barked in season and out of it. Dundee, the name I picked to commemorate my love for the famous movie Crocodile Dundee, was mad with rage at cats and rats, and mad with love for kids and chickens. Don’t even ask me why? He had that hearty, downright kindness towards little lady-girls. He would let all children do what they pleased with him, ride on his back, drag him by his tail, pull his ears. Try what not — he was patience and good humor personified. But Dundee licked the faces of girls and only the hands of boys.

It was our second year together when I began to suspect that Dundee was unfaithful to me. I discovered that he had fallen in love with the prettiest thing in our village. The cunning, flirtatious creature was a girl of my age. She had the biggest blue eyes and that rosy mouth of a doll that made people think she constantly was blowing the air out or getting ready to kiss every living thing. But Alisa, that was the name of the girl, was somewhat handicapped. She seemed to live in a dream, talking about flowers and imagining herself to be a dandelion, the abundance of which was a calling card of our place. She danced, not walked, sang instead of talking, and was dressed only in green, and with her hair of a sunny yellow shade, she reminded of the wretched weed indeed.

Her father was a simple and naïve widower. About a month before the dreadful scene, Victor set us all by the ears by bringing the most heartless and deceitful person of the entire region to our remote village. I searched back through the labyrinth of my past to bring back to you the rumors about this vile person because every one of them later, when he’d paid for his deeds, proved to be the truth. He was known to beat his wife when liquor got into his head, which happened way too often. There was definitely a screw loose in his head when it came to pretty young ladies. People saw him quadrupedal in the grass close to the school, doing no one knew what. Victor, Alisa’s father, considered this brutal man to be his friend. Women and men alike scolded Victor for associating with this vile person. We knew the gossips and believed it. But Alisa’s father turned a deaf ear to all those warnings. Victor repeatedly stated that he was saved from robbery and brutal bitting by this man. He paid the debt with respect and trust. Later, we suspected that the man himself organized the attack to get closer to the father of the most charming little flower in our parts.

Victor was overprotective of his stunning little daughter. She was a living proof that one time in his life, a woman loved him and bore him a child paying for this deed with her life. When my scary-looking Dundee saw the pretty thing, he lost his head. From then on, he ran off to her garden and came home only to satisfy his appetite for the leftovers of my mother’s delicious cooking and to spend the night, as was a custom between us, by my bedside. Dundee was devoted to me but, at the same time, adored Alisa. He couldn’t help being always close to this flowery creature. Alisa knew to the smallest detail the unsparing anatomy of my dog’s heart. Somehow they looked like a perfect pair — A Beauty & The Beast. Dundee brushed up his manners and looked a perfect gentle-dog, always smoothing away the creases of her dress and holding in his vast mouth the dandelions she picked.

Try as I might, I couldn’t rummage through my memory for the exact date for the dreadful incident. The closest I can get is to recollect that it happened sometime after my twelve’s birthday. I remember that my mother was still riding the high horse, angry with me for a broken vase and an adventure of a ruined birthday dress. 
The date is of no importance, though, as now we are at an unspeakably delicate distance from the heart wrecking events. Those I couldn’t wash from my memory hard as I tried.

Victor never left his precious daughter home alone. Wherever he went, he always took Alisa with him. He had no regular employment, leaving his job as a welder when his wife died. Being a skilled man he was never left without work, helping everyone in the village with everything anyone needed assistance with.

That unfortunate day, a call from his malicious friend forced him to go out late at night. As we learned later, he called at ten p.m. and requested urgent help in some simple but important matter, claiming the occasion not worth explaining on the phone and demanding to see Victor in person. He only said that it would not take long, that they just needed to talk it over in the nearest village pub. Victor should have refused point-blank, but the man insisted, saying he would consider this favor as a payment of the old debt. Victor looked in his daughter’s room. The girl was fast asleep, and he thought somehow it would be ok to leave her for a couple of hours unattended. Little that he knew about the mischievous plot set up by his fraudulent friend.

At the same time, in my room, my furious beast was out of all sorts. It was the only hour when my dog was invariably by my side. I can admit now that I forced Dundee to sleep by my bedside when he would have rather preferred a hut outside in our garden. I was getting ready to sleep and could not get him to calm down. Something stirred him up. Dundee was continuously whining and scratching at the closed door. He never behaved like that before. I gave in and let him go, wondering what the matter with my dog was. We learned from Victor the account of the events that followed. Let me present it in his own narrative.

“I heard the loud barking when I was halfway to the pub where I had the arranged meeting. Dundee almost knocked me to the ground. I should admit, I was scared. The bruit was huge and behaved strangely, pulling the sleeve of my coat and dragging me homewards. I tried to fight Dundee, imploring him to let me go, but to no avail. The creature was out of his mind. Then I had a notion, you know, a tightening in the heart and a loss of regular breath at my throat. Something was amiss with my girl, I thought. Everybody knew about this dog’s devotion to my daughter. How I got back home, I barely can tell. I was running with my heart in my mouth.

“When I approached the house, I saw the light in my daughter’s bedroom and struggled for the key to the door. Not finding one in my pockets, I violently pressed on the door with my whole body and almost cracked my skull when I fell on the floor. The door was not locked! The dog rushed past me, barking viciously all the time. When I entered the room, Dundee was on top of that man. My Alisa was sitting on her bed with her nightdress on the floor and her pretty little face agitated. I covered her in a blanket and ran out of the room to prevent her from seeing the scene of a murder. My side vision couldn’t mistake it for anything else. The villain managed to utter only one frightful cry, and then it was only the sound of growling and chattering. The hip of bloody mass under the fierce dog was past all doctoring.

“I couldn’t help the man. Even then, being so much shaken by what happened, and with my sluggishly working mental powers, I admit, I thought he richly deserved his cruel fate. I needed to save the fragile mind of my precious daughter. By now, she was drawing her breath convulsively. I brought her to my bedroom. Holding her in my arms, I rocked her to and fro, whispering words of tender consolation. I was crying like a baby, hiding my face in the creases of the blanket.”

That was the first thrilling sensation of which all the people of our village were talking for months. The developments that followed began to alter fast. Victor called the police and the ambulance. The death from fatal wounds inflicted by a German King Shepherd named Dundee was stated. The dog, though, was nowhere to find. The law said to put the beast to sleep in a case like that. Police officers and volunteers searched through and through, but they didn’t find Dundee. Alisa was not seriously harmed. I don’t think she realized that her father’s friend, as the man referred to himself when implored the girl to open the door, was about to offend her in any way. He asked her to undress, saying he had a new gown for her, and if she would be a good girl, he would let her try it on. Her mind luckily blotted the other events of that night. She continues to be a beautiful dandelion in her green dress, walking the fields and singing her songs even today.

We seldom talked about the dog. I felt as if treading on the delicate ground each time I mentioned his name. I believed him alive, hiding somewhere. My father told me some years past the true fate of my brave Dundee. At the time of the accident, he and Victor kept it a secret between themselves to make sure the police would not get any notion of what happened. That horrid night Victor called my father, and only when my dad took the dog out of the house and into his van, aiming at his brother’s farm a hundred and fifty miles away, Victor called the ambulance and the police. Shortly after my discovery, I went to my uncle’s farm to learn about my friend’s further life. Here what my uncle said, revealed in his own words.

“Your dog was worth his weight in gold. Take my word for it, dear. He lived a solitary life on my farm, running after the rats and cats and affectionately mothering the chickens. He never expressed any even slight attachment to me or any human being. His heart was forever given to that little flower girl, I think. I often saw him wandering among the fields with a bunch of dandelions in his mouth. He seemed to pass his later years cloudy in the head. Very quiet, very sad. Do you want to see his grave?”

I saw the earth’s elevation under the only tree in a vast field quite far from the house. It was his favorite spot, my uncle said. The very silence of the place seemed to be exaggerated. I battled out of my lethargy and laid a bouquet of dandelions on his grave.

Stay tuned…

What Does It Mean to Be a Parent

In every conceivable manner, the family is linked to our past, bridge to our future. – Alex Haley

1) When You Are a Mother You Realize How Challenging and Rewarding This Role Is

Every possible color on an emotional spectrum is present in my life. I didn’t know how fast and easy one can go from being exhausted to angry and impatient, then right away feel regret and shame for not controlling this flow of emotions. These feelings should end up with laughter and tenderness after all.

Raising kids is not easy, and knowing that I am not the only one who does not always know how to react to screaming and rolling on the floor, and how to perceive some bad temper towards other kids in a friend’s house – helps me to strive for more knowledge by listening to the ones that are more experienced. I read the authors who learned a lot on their parenting journey.

2) Parenting Is a Life Exam and You Choose to Study and Pass It When You Decide to Have a Child

This process involves a lot of explorative reading. And not until I got acquainted with the works of Alice Miller, Adem Gunes, and some other pedagogues, psychologists, and teachers – I found answers to some questions crowding in my head.

There is no way anyone can predict the future of their kids. You see, you cannot predict to a 100% certainty if your tomorrow will turn out to be exact to your plan. But I wanted to make sure I do the best possible choices and make right decisions concerning my kids every day with the goal in mind to raise not ‘good’ (which means in parenting language ‘obedient’ kids) but happy and loving, kind and caring, thoughtful and creative, responsible and confident, independent and fulfilled personalities. 

3) ‘Good’ = ‘Obedient’ Is Not Always Desirable and Some Resistance to Parents Can Be a Positive Sign

When fear is used – kids do whatever they’re told without thinking, just to please and obey adults. These children may become what their parents want them to be and lose themselves on this way.

There is a big difference between a child doing something and believing it is the right thing to do, and another kid that is just following the instructions. The first way creates independent thinkers and the second leads to unpredictable results.

Today this kid is listening to his parents without questioning and does everything he is told immediately, and tomorrow he does the same – but now he listens to someone else, his peers – and these people may not be the lot you’d have picked.

If your ultimate desire is to help your children to set and meet their own goals – then be prepared to find out that they may make choices and embrace values that aren’t the same as yours.

It is not easy to keep the big picture in mind and focus on long-term goals rather than on an immediate compliance. We need to consider what our children need rather than just what we’re demanding from them.


Conclusion

Motherhood is a never-ending learning process, and there is no one book to suit every scenario and one rule to follow in each situation. Every family is a different book to write and every mother and father is an author of a unique kind. 

Stay tuned…

4 Major Pitfalls to Avoid When Raising a Child

Family teaching is by example only. – Chinese saying

1) When You See Some Signs of Undesirable Behavior

To reward this world with a person who will be driven to bring glory to his community, country, nature and the whole world is a great mission. And the process requires a lot of self-assessment and consideration. Sometimes when you see some signs of undesirable behavior: lying, open aggressiveness, or quiet anger – you need to step back and analyze what could have caused it. 

If you try to raise a child who is always obedient and pride yourself on your ability to discipline your little one, you may expect sooner or later rebellion in a disagreeable form: he may take drugs, bully others in school or in the streets – giving way to his emotions and perceiving personal pleasure in life as his only valuable accomplishment. 

2) When Striving to Instill an Individualistic Point of View 

Another pitfall is to strive to instill an individualistic point of view in your child. You may think that by praising without measure and often without reason you will create a winning spirit. You bestow love and create an impression of ‘the world is mine and all is made for me and for my good’.

This child later in life will put herself on a pedestal and make no excuses when it comes to her personal success. She won’t care about the rest of the world and suffering around her. If she feels it more convenient for her she’ll put her elderly parents in a nursing home instead of sacrificing her time and maybe her career to take care of them.  

3) When Suffering in Any Form Does Not Initiate Compassion 

Make every effort to raise a child that sees his success in harmony with the world around him, who don’t think a moment choosing between the need to take care of a cat suffering as the result of a fight and being late for a meeting. It may not sound like such a good example, but if suffering in any form (experienced by a person, animal, or any creation) initiates compassion – this is the outcome you’ve been looking for.

This child considers himself a member of the society. He can empathize and see the world around him through the glass of his emotions. He lives in harmony with nature and humankind. He won’t break a tree branch just for fun. He’ll never even think to graffiti his name or any other writing on the wall of a store. He’ll never attempt to throw a stone into a shop window just to hear the alarm and then speed away. He will cherish and respect the result of other people’s effort and the result of the effort of The One, Who created this world… So he won’t pollute his body with nicotine, alcohol, or drugs, not just for his own good but for the good and well-being of others around him and the ones he loves the most. 

4) When You Consider a Child Your Property

We are all born with our characters defined and a skilled and observant parent can trace some unique features right away. A baby may be quiet and cry only when hungry or he can call for your attention every other minute. Children are all different from the time of their birth. If you consider your little one, coming to this world and changing your life as a welcomed and ‘respected guest’ – you will give him due attention and care, listen to his needs and come to his aide whenever it is required, answer his calls for love each and every time without restrictions – that will be enough to make him a happy addition to your family. 


Conclusion

Open your heart and create a safe environment where the innocence of your baby won’t be taken advantage of. Govern your actions with respect to his emotional world and always try to put yourself in his tiny shoes to try and see the world through those innocent eyes full of love and devotion.

Stay tuned…

8 Ways to Make Your Child Mentally Strong

Very often we travel the world over in search of what we need and return home to find it. – George Moore

1) We All Are Equipped With the Perfect Defense System

This inner defense mechanism keeps our inner selves at peace from outside intrusion. Some are experts in this art, some are good, and some forget how to turn on the safety barrier. 

But we are born with it perfectly adjusted. Look at a child who just lost everything he ever loved and cared about: his parents, his house with his dear toys – everything. And you see him smiling and playing in a sandbox. This behavior doesn’t mean that the child is insensitive. That only tells us that his soul cannot tolerate what happened and to protect the peace within him he denies it altogether.

2) How the Defense Mechanisms Work

Remember one of the numerous stories when a child completely forgets what happened as well as a few days or years before or after an emotionally devastating trauma. Such cases are known not just among kids but among adults as well. Our perfectly structured brain mechanisms work without fail unless we forget how to operate this system.

The same defense system triggers a child to suppress her emotions when she is not given enough love at home. To protect herself she learns how to be satisfied with less although her whole being cries for more and more. If she is faced with constant threats, comparisons with other ‘better’ kids and reproaches, she learns how to satisfy others in order to avoid conflicts. 

3) What Triggers Fake Personality Development

The absence of unconditional love at home is a straight route to developing a fake personality. In her adulthood she will be constantly looking for what others expect from her, and how she needs to be perceived by them to be liked. That leads her to a ‘lie-life’ when she says things that are considered lies and doesn’t feel any pricks of conscience as she just got so used to pretending. She feels that it is normal and safe to say what is better for others to hear or for her to be praised for without even considering the moral side of things. 

4) What Happens If a Child Is Constantly Abused at Home

If a child was constantly abused at home and was forced to bottle up her feelings for protection in that environment, she may develop internal aggressiveness that eventually will be released and directed either towards her younger siblings or other kids at school. Later in life she may seek a profession where she will have an opportunity to be authoritative and forceful towards others without judgment. She may choose to become a teacher, senior manager, or even a nurse – any profession that gives her some power. 

5) Violence Only Breeds Violence 

The forms of this demoralizing act can be physical, emotional or psychological. Someone said: “Advising a person in public is like insulting him.” This is one of the forms of violence as well as slapping a child and continuing to abuse him by asking: “Why are you crying?” Physical punishment may not be painful in terms of bodily suffering but it may cause a little child’s soul to bleed severely. 

6) Developing a False, Deceiving Affection Towards Offender

Sometimes a child develops feelings of affection towards the person tormenting him. A parent constantly causing a little person to be stressed and afraid may find an increase in love from her child. This kind of love is deceiving and changes when a child grows up and feels freedom from his parent’s bonds.

The same happens when a teacher develops a dislike for some of her students. The very child experiencing disrespect and continuous reproaches tries to find all possible ways to get into the teacher’s pet circle by maybe peaching on others or starting to falsely believe that he likes what the teacher likes and starting to behave in a similar way. This mode of action is destructive to the personality as well. Again, a false personality takes charge of a child’s inner world and his true emotional peace is lost and forgotten.

7) The Importance of Cultivating Trust in Humankind

If a child faces a constant need to use protective mechanisms she starts to fear life and lose trust in humankind. To avoid this pitfall in upbringing your child needs to know that no matter what, even if she misbehaves, her mom and dad are going to love her just the same. An authoritative regime will lead to disastrous consequences. 

8) The Vital Importance of Honesty and Sincerity at Home

Children are very sensitive to honesty and sincerity. They sense any ‘white’ or ‘black’ lie and develop the idea that it is normal to do so as the very ones they trust and love behave this way. Be aware of this and show an example of a noble spirit. There is no need to lie to hide your mistake and by doing so maintain the child’s respect.

Show that mistake is possible, and everyone can make it – even you, a highly praised and loved parent. The child understands that she can fall and come to you for comfort rather than telling a lie to justify her ripped trousers and a dirty shirt. The truth is always a better choice and it should be the only one. 


Conclusion

Create natural surroundings for your child. As if outside in nature, when there is nothing to worry about: no one to disappoint, no furniture that you cannot draw at, no books you shouldn’t touch. That atmosphere sets your child free and you too feel more open to her and more willing to understand. Let her express her emotions and know that she will not be humiliated.

Only when you understand and admit in your heart of hearts that the being you are entrusted with is perfect and deserves respect can you bestow this world with a true gem of humankind.

Stay tuned…

3 Things to Be Aware of When Bringing up a Child 

It was nice growing up with someone like you – someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on! – Anonymous

1) When a Child Cannot Cope With His Internal Desires

What happens when a child’s conscience is sleeping, long forgotten? Conscience helps to cope with our internal harmful desires. When all that a child knew throughout his life is orders and expectations to behave a certain way – he loses self-control and the skill to judge what is good and what is bad by himself. Every child must have, and I cannot stress it enough, the abundance of unconditional love and understanding. Through this rejuvenating feeling he learns about all good and bad things in life.

2) When You See a Falsely Obedient Children

You have seen examples of falsely obedient children. They behave as expected when they are at home, trying to eliminate any conflicts with their parents and siblings. And as soon as they leave home they try everything as if they are rebelling. When grown-up, some may end up drug addicts, others can find pleasures in uncontrolled sexual behavior, and some individuals are not able to say ‘no’ to a tasty high-calorie snack and end up overweight. They hate themselves for the weakness they have no strength to fight.

The lack of true love at home when they were kids, made them uncertain if this feeling existed. This doubt is damaging beyond any degree. A person that is uncertain if sincere affection, compassion, and love are present in his life – is actually uncertain in anything, including himself.

3) When a Child Has the Lack of Personal Identity

The reason for all of the described above is the lack of personal identity. Let your child experience life. Be close by to explain and lead by example instead of forcing him blindly to follow your instructions just because you think this is right and that is wrong. These little adventurers need to experiment early on and learn how to live in peace with their consciousness.

Take time to explain things they are interested in and things you think important for them to understand. You will find that repeating the same thing is quite annoying, be patient – you will be rewarded for your loving effort.


Conclusion

When a four-year-old feels discomfort when making the blunder of breaking a toy he took forcefully from a smaller child – he wouldn’t do that again not because it disappointed you, but because he felt ashamed and saw the tears of another little child. Do not be cross, explain the meaning of tears on another child’s face.

You know that life is not all about joy and pleasure. They need to learn that as well with your help and support. Let them fly but keep your arms always ready to catch them if they fall, to embrace them and treat their wounds.

Stay tuned…

4 Major Rules That Will Help You Be a Better Parent 

There was a place in childhood that I remember well, and there a voice of sweetest tone bright fairytales did tell. – Samuel Lover

1) It Is Important to Understand the Mechanisms That Govern Our Emotional World

To do so we need to go to our ‘inner place’ and find the ‘self’ – the personality that tells you to be depressed when it is sunny outside, the guy that brings intuition into play and employing it tries to tell you how to act or how to perceive this situation or person, it is the one that brings to the surface thoughts of suicide in a person whose life seems harmonious and fulfilling to an outside observer.

You cannot deny the existence of that ‘self’ within you. You should admit this presence and learn how to live in harmony with it. This is crucial for a thoughtful upbringing. You will be able to read the cause and effect of defense mechanisms that are turned on and off by the ‘self’ inside of every human being.

2) Don’t Think That Every Conflict Between You and Your Child Is a Competition You Need to Win

It is just the way children protect their dignity. Imagine someone telling you that you are irresponsible – your first reaction to such an offense will be to prove the opponent wrong and you blush and start to defend yourself. The same happens with your child when you tell him that he is untidy. His defensive reaction is not intended to offend you but to protect his inner ‘self’ – his dignity. Even babies do their best to protect their ‘self’. They cry if they sense any threat from a person looking at them.

3) No One Wants to Be Perceived Negatively 

When you constantly tell your little one: “you are lazy, too slow, forgetful, clumsy” and so on – he will get into the habit of fighting the assaults and can even reach a violent state. No one wants to be perceived negatively, especially by the closest people – family members. But eventually, he’ll get tired of being defensive. He will feel like an alien in his own house.

You need to worry when your child stops protecting himself from harm and becomes silent. That means he has become too tough to understand his feelings or to be sensitive to any outside intrusion. An insensitive child doesn’t have strong principles to live by. He loses his identity. This is a real disaster. The child that became tired from constant attacks and became desensitized loses the taste of life, the joy of creation. Only the one whose inner place was cherished can experience with his heart, not just senses, the smell of a flower, the touch of wind on his hair, or the taste of a berry.

4) Mother’s Arms Should Be an Always Present Shelter From All Calamities

Troubles can be big or small, coming from a father or an older brother or sister, or the outside world. Mother will understand. She will be just but will love her child no matter what. Always remember that words are like birds – you let them out, and you will never be able to catch them again. Words create deep wounds in a heart that burn and can even leave scars that will last a lifetime. Be cautious about the birds you let fly out.


Conclusion

Do not try to be a conscience for your child. He already has one and needs to act accordingly. If you try to govern his actions all the time, he will follow the path you’ve chosen and forgets how to react to the inner call. He needs to see what is right and wrong through his own conscience, this way that skill will be with him forever. To make conscience an always present friend a child needs to get used to it always being around. Allow him to make mistakes and understand the cause and effect of them.

Stay tuned…

3 Tips to Build Confidence in Your Child

One of the luckiest things that can happen to you in life is, I think, to have a happy childhood. – Agatha Christie

1) To Build Confidence in Your Child Is to Add a Building Block to the House of Human Dignity

You should take charge of a very important place in your child’s emotional world – a place of honesty and persistence. This will help to shape a sensitive and at the same time, a powerful personality. Do you want to raise a child that depends on you or do you want to bring up a resolute strong character? To do so you need to work on your character first and foremost. If you are brave and honest – this task is for you.

2) To Raise a Submissive Child Is a Mistake Easily Made

Some people perceive weakness and want to raise a submissive child. In this case, the little girl at some point forgets how to show her real feelings as she gets so used to pleasing her parents for the love they give. She may lose the connection with her true inner spirit and will wear a mask all her life without even realizing it. Do you need a child that hides herself from you and from the outside world? This way you may never say that you know who she truly is, and you don’t know what to expect from her. The time comes and we all lose that connection with our parents either for a while or forever and then the main role in our life is taken by ‘society’: friends, coworkers and so on. Now you cannot predict how her character will shift to please other people around her, whom she considers more important at this point in her life.

3) Parenting Is a Never-Ending Learning Process for Both Parents and Kids

We all lead by example and this is the most important thing to remember in raising a child. Parenting is a never-ending learning process for both parties: parents and kids. Your child may teach you many things. And the most important here is your desire to open your heart and read the words of true love inscribed in it.


Conclusion

Love yourself as you are and love your child unconditionally. Be open to exploring your true emotional world so you can become sensitive to your baby’s sacred needs. Your goal is to grow genuine admiration, when a child is obedient because she trusts and respects her parents and not because of fear.

Stay tuned…

3 Rules That Will Help You to Build Trust in Your Family

What one loves in childhood stays in the heart forever. – Mary Jo Putney

1) A Baby Born Is One of the Most Benevolent and Impeccable Creations 

The child has his dharma already written and there is no need to put too much pressure on ourselves thinking over all the possible scenarios for the play of his life. We often write a script of step by step acts of this play: kindergarten, school, college; who should he hang out with and what should he do to earn his living in the future. To follow the written plan too closely in this life is of no use.

2) It Is Important to Be Adaptable to the Ever-Changing Social and Business Environment

We do not have the right to decide our kids’ destiny. The time will come and they will be out of your nest, building their own. Do not strive for full control over your children. Let them make their own decisions. Trust their judgment. They naturally know better what is good for them. Intuitively their body tells them to eat slowly – it is good for digestion. Your daughter may have a different view on how she wants to look today and she’s putting on this pair of socks because of the color, let her do so even though it does not match the rest of her outfit. Being small and vulnerable she used to sleep and eat just at the time she needed it. How different would’ve been our life if all of us could’ve listened and heard our body’s language?

3) Everybody Needs a Place Where One Can Relax and Be Himself 

If your child behaves differently or misbehaves, to be more exact, often when you are around and plays an obedient kid when you are not there – it is very normal. He reveals his true self in front of the person he loves and trusts the most. Analyze how you act in front of others in the office and at home with your spouse. You come home tired and let your irritation out – she or he will understand. Do you remember those moments? You need to express self-control to calm yourself down and not to put all your troubles on your spouse’s shoulders. Everybody needs a place where one can relax and be himself, even if at this very moment it is not the best version of you. Kids need to have atmosphere of freedom where their most cherished people will always understand.


Conclusion

The result of too much pressure in trying “to teach good habits” may be the lack of time and effort to cultivate a strong personality. If your child obeys you all the time she ends up living a life to please others and think that to be happy she needs to make others happy. You want a resolute child, one who knows what she wants from life, whose world is full of colors and deep emotions. Develop her sense of trust by allowing her to comfortably express herself within her family. Let her share her feelings with you, do not think they are not serious and childish – for this little soul it is ultimately important to find support and compassion in her parents.

Stay tuned…

10 Things Parents Need to Understand to Reveal Their Child’s Unique Personality

Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do… but how much love we put in that action. – Mother Teresa

1) Family Is a Spiritual Experience for Parents and Kids

Success is determined by understanding each other’s roles and trust between the two. Father is wisdom in the face of difficulty. Mother is compassion and love. The combination will form the child’s personality and develop her character.

2) Help to Reveal the Unique Personality

A child is born with her personality written in her life-book. Our goal as parents is to help to open this book and teach our child to read it. We should not in any way try to change its contents. The main secret of this book is that we cannot read it right away. We also need to learn how to do it by gently helping our kids through this process. We see just blank pages at the beginning and only later start noticing some signs and strive to learn this language and understand it fully. We carry unlimited power in our hands and used unwisely it can ruin this book by rewriting it. This happens if you are lazy about learning: “Why learn a new language when I can just write what I think is right? Isn’t that much easier?”

3) Our Kids Do Not Belong to Us

When born, they already have everything of their own. You can trace the strong spirit early on as well as discover gentle softness right away. By trying to be a writer, not a reader, you may ruin the exquisiteness of this book. Eventually, you will lose interest in reading it. Instead, we just need to guide our kids gently on their way by sincerely being willing to know them and admitting the existence of their perfect nature.

4) Acceptance and Respect Are the Fulcrums

Take your child’s hand and start this thought-provoking journey without trying to force or judge. Do not compare – but respect. Harmony in a child’s inner place (the place where she keeps her most sacred soul belongings) is vital. This precious personality that grows in love comes to understand the internal peace within herself. The child in this atmosphere will obtain a firm belief in her importance and will be ready to defend her personality in any circumstances (playground, school, work) not being afraid of ridicule.

5) When the Time Comes, a Child Reveals Her Dreams to an Adult

In most cases this all-knowing, wise individual bitten by the world wants “to protect” the little girl and put her back on the ground first before the cruel world does that less gently: “Wait, my friend, reality will show its sharp teeth to you. You better think about how to finish school and find a good-paying job.”

What are we without dreams? Mere automatons. Dreams make us move, create masterpieces, and make new scientific discoveries that save millions of lives. Dream driven actions make a king from a peasant, and a king without dreams becomes a vagabond. By supporting our kids when they strive for happiness and greatness, we make them believe in the imaginary reality and help them to make it real.

6) Pay Attention to Character Development

Often we do not pay as much attention to our children’s character as we do to teaching them to hold a spoon and eat, to brush their teeth and make their bed by themselves (to free more time for ourselves). Patience is the highest rung on the “child-care ladder”. With this capacity in our hands, we can help our kids to attain up their “dream realized life”.

7) Do Not Force Your Little One to Imitate Anyone

Do not compare him to other children. In striving to imitate, the child becomes like a crow in an old parable. He vainly tries master flying in the skies in an attempt to become a sparrow. As he strives, the little crow forgets how to walk on his own.

8) His Power to Be Himself Should Be Respected

Look at the child in his first year of life. This is his fairy tale, where there is no need to pretend that you like something when you don’t. He is the king of this land, comfortable in the presence of loving, devoted parents and fierce if he doesn’t like someone, even if this someone is the monarch of the neighboring state. This king is brave in everything he does, not afraid of doing something wrong.

His power to be himself should be respected because it brings him peace. Parents as his chaperones on his way through his kingdom should show support and unconditional love: “We love you as you are. You will never make us love you less.” In this land they have discussions and arguments, they have different opinions, listen to each other with respect, learning from their differing points of view, and solving problems together.

9) Answer With Patience and Honesty

When your child asks “what” you should answer with patience and honesty, explaining the “why”. Wise parents know that the explanation should not be misleading as it is hard to correct this mistake and keep the same level of trust afterward.

We should remember to not pressure our kids by instilling in them the behavior that we think is appropriate. The primary emphasis is on playing and making it joyful. Even such a thing as brushing teeth can be fun. And if the question “why should I do it?” is asked, patience and creativity help to make the answer reasonable in a childish way but with a truly grown-up meaning.

10) Your Child Is Entrusted to You

Do not consider your child a source of pleasure for yourself: giving love when you feel like it, and if your mood is blue – considering the child as a mere hindrance on the way to a quiet sleep on the couch.


Conclusion

Listen to the baby’s needs, look for signs of spiritual openness, and pay attention to the dreams communicated in the baby’s language.

Stay tuned…

2 Wisdom Quotes That Will Help You Understand Parenting

Under heaven, all can see beauty as beauty, only because there is ugliness. All can know good as good only because there is evil. Being and nonbeing produce each other. The difficult is born in the easy. Long is defined by short, the high by the low. Before and after go along with each other. – Lao-tzu 2nd Verse of “Tao Te Ching”

1) We Live in a World of Contrasts

This verse from the book of wisdom teaches us about paradoxical existence. We live in a world of contrasts. To understand and appreciate beauty, we need to learn about ugliness. We can see white because we know what black looks like. The truth is born in lies. Pain makes pleasure so alluring.

As a mature parent, you know the harsh and bitter taste of betrayal. You learned about the spiritual agony of a suffering heart and the physical soreness of broken bones. Your desire to protect your child from all the hardships of this world is understandable. Is it possible to put him in the shell of your care and safekeeping? Yes, but this existence is miserable. He won’t be able to recognize genuine friendship and companionship without knowing how disappointment and treachery hurts.

Will he value and cherish his good health unless he knows how bitter the taste of medicine is and how sore is the bruise from a clumsy fall? The minute you are not around anymore… what do you expect him to do? To learn how to clear up the road without ever holding a machete in his hand? Now without your warning and mentorship he’ll cut and bruise his gentle hands severely because they are not used to hard work. 

2) Your Mission on This Parenting-Journey

To assist a child, we must provide him with an environment which will enable him to develop freely. – Maria Montessori

Your mission on this parenting-journey is to create an environment of trust and security so that your child feels love in the quantity he needs. Respect his emotions and value his innocence. Never ridicule his pure soul. Show an example of a principle-centered life. Do not think that if you teach him to trust, he may be too naïve when the time comes to stand on his own two feet. He will develop the intuition and sensitivity to read dishonesty if he knows the value of true feelings. Seeing your loving attitude, he will note any trace of betrayal ahead of time.

He will still make mistakes here and there, but they will be few in comparison with the disastrous consequences that could’ve taken place in a different case scenario. Imagine a child growing up in a family where he is scolded and misunderstood. The environment of selfishness and lack of love: where whatever love he gets is controlled and given in small amounts. Later in life he won’t be able to see white and black in people and relationships. He won’t be able to trust his friends or spouse. He will look for a deceitful motive in any person’s actions towards him. He’ll suspect unfaithfulness everywhere. And the pain of it he will taste in full because choosing the right person will be hard.

Without experiencing true love and care, he won’t know if what he’s got is good and worth cherishing. He will see a gaze of humiliation and think it may be a loving one because he saw the same thing coming from the very people he used to trust with his whole heart. 


Conclusion

Love is the key. Respect is the door. And happiness in life is the path that this door leads to. 

Your assignment in this journey of parenting life exploration is to be a guide, not a guard; to explain the nature of things, good and bad, not hide their existence. Do not try to clear the road but predict the stony ground or the dark path through a forest full of dangers and prepare him, equip him with the right gear for the hard trip.

Stay tuned…